The format
Every week, Gordon Ramsay gives them one modest assignment. Feed eighty people dinner.
Forget ballroom dancing. Stop laundering washed-out politicians through sequins and a live band. Put them somewhere their management skills can finally be independently verified, in front of a heat lamp, with a ticket rail filling up and a room that has already ordered.
Eighty hungry people, wondering where the fucking potatoes are.
Support requested by the brigade
Service 19:00 · Kitchen 1 · Approved by production: none
- ConsultantsDenied
- DonorsDenied
- LobbyistsDenied
- Communications teamDenied
- Classified briefingDenied
- Blaming the previous administrationDenied
The brigade
Six stations.
Nobody covering.
Every episode ends with a confidence vote. The losing minister leaves the kitchen, the apron goes on the fire, and accountability means somebody actually has to go home. Cast your vote — the pass keeps the count.
Aprons burned tonight: 0 of 6
-
Front of house
TrudeauCA
Greets every table warmly. Apologises to the ones that already left.
Confidence of the kitchen34%
Removed from CabinetApron burned at 20:14
-
On the pass
BidenUS
Calls the orders out. Some of the orders are for this restaurant.
Confidence of the kitchen22%
Removed from CabinetApron burned at 20:14
-
Garnish & context
HarrisUS
The risotto exists in the context of all in which it lives and what came before it. Table nine ordered forty minutes ago.
Confidence of the kitchen29%
Removed from CabinetApron burned at 20:14
-
Food safety
JohnsonUK
Signs the fridge log without opening the fridge. Then signs it again for April.
Confidence of the kitchen17%
Removed from CabinetApron burned at 20:14
-
Lettuce procurement
TrussUK
Held the station forty-nine days. The lettuce is still on shift.
Confidence of the kitchen9%
Removed from CabinetApron burned at 20:14
-
Not on the rota
SunakUK
Does not work here. Owns the company that delivers the lettuce.
Confidence of the kitchen41%
Removed from CabinetApron burned at 20:14
Plus a rotating cast of washed-out G7 ministers, presidents, prime ministers, cabinet members and professional architects of catastrophe. The rail is long and the applications keep arriving.
Out of context · Entirely accurate
They already
wrote the dialogue.
Nothing in this transcript was written for television. Every line was said out loud, in public, by the person named. The only thing we changed is the room.
Transcript · Service 19:00 · Kitchen 1Camera 4 · Uncut
Lines are verbatim. Stage directions are ours.
-
TrussProcurement
“We import two-thirds of our cheese. That is a disgrace.”
Said to a party conference in 2014. Said again here, to a walk-in fridge containing two-thirds of a cheese.
-
SunakSupplier
“Eat Out to Help Out.”
Launched as national policy in August 2020. Repeated at the pass, to eighty people who came here to eat out, in order to help out.
-
BidenOn the pass
“We hold these truths to be self-evident. All men and women created by — you know, you know, the thing.”
March 2020. Delivered here while holding a thing, unable to name the thing.
-
HarrisGarnish & context
“You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you.”
Offered to table nine, who exist in the context of having ordered forty minutes ago.
-
JohnsonFood safety
“There are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.”
Written years before the fridge. Read aloud beside the fridge, which is now an opportunity.
-
TrudeauFront of house
“The budget will balance itself.”
2014. Said to a head chef holding a food cost sheet, who does not agree.
-
HarrisGarnish & context
“I love Venn diagrams. There’s just something about those three circles.”
Three circles are drawn on the pass. None of them is a plate.
-
TrussProcurement
“I’m a fighter, not a quitter.”
Said the day before quitting. The lettuce, present at both events, has no comment.
-
TrudeauFront of house
“Because it’s 2015.”
The correct answer to why the brigade looks the way it does. Not the correct answer to where the potatoes are.
-
Head chefThe pass
“Where’s the lamb sauce?”
Asked eleven times. Answered with a statement, a review, and a Venn diagram.
Series one · Call sheet
Eight services.
One of them ends fed.
- EP 0131 of 80 plated
Eighty Covers
The brigade meets the ticket rail. Nobody in the room has worked a service before, and all of them have run a country.
- EP 020 potatoes located
Where Are The Potatoes
Four hundred kilos were ordered. A statement is issued instead. The statement is very well received.
- EP 03Service halted 40 min
The Fridge Nobody Opened
Food safety signs off on a walk-in that has not been opened since April. Environmental health arrives during starters.
- EP 04Lunch served 19:40
A Working Lunch
Eleven hours of meetings about lunch. Lunch is at one. Everyone agrees the process was rigorous.
- EP 05Margin up 12%
Procurement
The lettuce is late, the price has tripled, and the supplier is standing in the kitchen holding a clipboard.
- EP 06Turned away at the pass
The Consultant At The Door
A man with a deck offers to fix the kitchen for the price of the kitchen. Ramsay answers the door.
- EP 07Risotto cold
Context
The garnish station explains the risotto to eighty people who would rather have the risotto.
- EP 08Aprons remaining: 2
Final Service
One kitchen, eighty covers, and whoever is still holding a station when the lamp comes on.
You ran a G7 country and you can't run a fucking kitchen!Head chef · Episode two · Nineteen minutes into service
The confidence vote
The apron
goes up.
There is no exit interview, no memoir advance, no seat on an advisory board and no lucrative speaking tour about resilience. There is a bin, a fire, and eighty people who still have not eaten.
accountability
/əˌkaʊntəˈbɪlɪti/ noun
- A period of reflection, followed by a new role at the same salary.
- Lessons that will be learned, at a date to be confirmed.
- An independent review, published on a Friday.
- In this kitchen: somebody actually has to leave.